Funny Attorney\Witness banter...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________ ________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
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ATTORNEY: S o the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh...are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can yo u be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

F I R E ! !

When I drove into the parking lot at work today, people were holding fire extinguishers and there was a dark plume of smoke billowing out of someone's pickup truck. About 30 seconds later, the local fire crew showed up and quickly took care of the situation. Here are some pics my friend Doug took of the event:

I'm asking for trouble...but,

I saw this car in the parking lot at work...and just had to video tape it. I know karma will get back at me, but it was too amusing to pass up. The owner is going to be torqued when they see their car.

Who thinks Michelle Obama should leave the country?

This is a rush transcript of "Special Report With Brit Hume" from February 19, 2008. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

MICHELLE OBAMA, WIFE OF SEN. BARACK OBAMA: And let me tell you something: for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country, because it feels like hope is finally making a comeback.

CINDY MCCAIN, WIFE OF SEN. JOHN MCCAIN: I'm proud of my country. I don't know about you, if you heard those words earlier — I'm very proud of my country.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

I'm with Cindy! I say we send Michelle to the country of her choice...Maybe she'd be happier in Iraq???

Something funny...

When my wife and I were watching the previews before Rambo, there was one horror film, by Clive Barker, that had images of the killer on a subway train and meat lockers, where the killer apparently worked...I'm watching all of these video clips and then one of the lines in the movie is something like, "...we haven't found any bodies, the killer's hiding the meat somewhere..." and I whisper to my wife, "M E A T T R A I N !!"and then to our surprise that was the title of the movie :D

Well, I thought it was funny...Have you ever done that?

RAMBO, Yeah!

One heck-of-a good movie...great action! John Rambo R O C K S! And, a good message...I thought. It's not for the squeamish though :)

A thought...I was reading the credits...all the Thai names of actors, workers, directors etc....and I thought as I read the names like, Tan BooTanTan (something like that) "I've read this persons name; some stranger from some part of the world I'll probably never visit; but, because they were part of this movie, and got on the credits, that I've now read...that maybe we're connected in some way."

You ever had that thought??? That maybe your reading someone's name, and bringing them into your consciousness, has now connected you."

Just curious...

What brought you here?

What would make you come back?

Do you prefer a lot of text in a blog entry or little blurbs?


and most importantly...
When it comes to prunes...are 3 too many and are 2 not enough?
(Guess the movie)

Breakfast for dinner...

is sooo good. That's what I just made for me and the kids that are home tonight -- pancakes, eggs, and potato rounds.

Everyone had smiles on their faces :)

Yeah! Romney has quit...

What a loser...I thought he wanted to win? I wouldn't have voted for him anyway...but, what a chump for quitting! Nice example setting there, LOL.

Checkout his web site, Team Mitt...more like Team _ _ it :D

His banner is "True strength for America's future" -- what did he mean, future of quitters?

All I can say is...The free world is now a safer place!

Finish this sentence...

I like big _______.

My lunch today was hosted by Jesus...

It was really good too...Greek Gyros, Mmmmmm!